Gentle Hygiene

ttto Hellraiser by Tom Smith

Click here for an mp3 of my husband singing this song! (Courtesy of Dave Rood.)

Welcome, nice to meet you,
It's time for your exam.
I hope that you've been flossing every day.
I know it's sometimes difficult to to use good oral care,
But you wouldn't want to invite tooth decay.

So many other teeth have held the anguish in your own,
Gingivitis burns you like a fire.
But I believe that we can fix
You up before the problem gets too dire.

The smile you want's achieved by methods
Gentl-er than mine,
But they require daily oral care,
To avoid my scrut'ny and the tortures of the damned.
It's brush and floss or suffer in my chair.

As each sadistic instrument pokes and pricks and prods,
You'll not believe I've found another flaw!
Just sit back and relax while I
Continue the dissection of your jaw.

I'll twist before I pull it, maybe twist a little more
Did I forget the novacaine, oops, sorry, is that sore?
If suffering brings beauty, then I've got some to sell,
Come see the dental hygienist from Hell.

This procedure isn't covered by Insurance, so you say,
You'll have to pay it out of your own cash.
But don't you want a healthy smile? Don't worry, it's all right.
We'll hold you down no matter how you thrash.

Tsk. Sugar leads to cavities, to fillings, to the drill
A wasted mouth of emptiness and pain...
Unless, of course, you brush your teeth
Night and day, in sunshine and in rain.

I know you think we're sadists here,
But please don't judge us so;
Concern for your well-being lies beneath.
We are helpers, we are healers,
We have made an art form
Of the extraction of decaying teeth.

You'll marvel at our scrupulous attention to detail,
Creativeness and exquisite technique,
But when you see your brand-new smile,
You'll thank us for each cavity-less shriek.

I'll greet you and examine you, make marks upon my chart,
Then oh-so-very carefully, I'll pry your jaws apart.
Those wisdom teeth had best come out, they're making your gums swell.
Just trust the dental hygienist from Hell.

First we'll put you under so
You'll never feel a thing.
No need for you to be at all concerned.
It's a very simple process,
And we do it all the time,
And from our few mistakes we're sure we've learned.

But I should give you warning, when your surgery is done,
You cannot just abandon us and go,
The anesthesia lingers and
The pain stays with you longer than you know.

I'll play with every inch of gum, I'll seek out every nerve,
An Inquisition giving you the hygiene you deserve.
It's all for your own good, you see, I want to make you well,
'Cause I'm the dental hygienist from Hell.

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Last revision: 1/26/05